Fat chances are my favorite chances
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Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
The symmetry is uncanny.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle