[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
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this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Donating blood today to make room for more food
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.