My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
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Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Mornin
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]