[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
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Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU