If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
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I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make