One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
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[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??