One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
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So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
He just like my cat fr
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Free him
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FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.