Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
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My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that