“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
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Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.