@Fred_Delicious

“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]

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@DairylandDon

Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron

@TheSharona06

Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.

@fluffysuse

Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.

@sarousti

FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building

@LuvPug

I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter

@DurtMcHurtt

[dinner at brother’s house]

“So where are the kids?”

Brother: I grounded them.

*spits out meatloaf*

@ParentNormal

Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us