@DairylandDon Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
@Fred_Delicious “Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
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@DairylandDon 
@TheSharona06 Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
@fluffysuse Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
@JennyJohnsonHi5 I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
@sarousti FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
@OhNoSheTwitnt 2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
@LuvPug I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
@DurtMcHurtt [dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
@ParentNormal Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
@Chandio_Pablito WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”