😲 WTF? 😆
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If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
stop
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now