@TheAlexNevil

2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son

*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*

Well, there’s always next year

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@FeverFlave

First date:

And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…

@mitdasein

Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?

A: Because it waxes every month.

@Donna_McCoy

Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.

@pharmasean

If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you

@krissywillbretz

Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.

@mrtruthandsoul

If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.

@Cornjerker78

Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.

Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?

@LaLuchaNix

I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid