2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son

*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*

Well, there’s always next year

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First date:

And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…


Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?

A: Because it waxes every month.


Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.


If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you


Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.


If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.


Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.

Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?


I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid