TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
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3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Running from your problems is cardio .