Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
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BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.