Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
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Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.