Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
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Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
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“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.