Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
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[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
New favorite tiktok
Smells like a challenge to me
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze