No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
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Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
I’m crying im so happy for them
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.