Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
You Might Also Like
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation