the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
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genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
same energy
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.