the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
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Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss
It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Top of the ramen to ya, laddies
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
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