🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
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I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?