This is hilarious….
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The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
A leaf blower, but for people.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.