I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
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Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Krampus.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday