Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
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no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.