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You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.