Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
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ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Netflix and awkward silence?
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.