me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
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That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
british sex workers really pound for pound
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park