Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
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Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor