Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
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absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
I’d use my best pan on you.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase