All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
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Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.