All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
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My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
The second world war should have been called world war returns
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES