@noog

All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.

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@KalvinMacleod

Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.

@imdaintyaf

I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters

@zuza_real

if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face

@Spaziotwat

*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”

@thetigersez

How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.

@ChefRonSullivan

Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?

@FrenulumBreve

ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.

@FormerHumorist

Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).

@AmishPornStar1

I’m not saying I’m an idiot…

But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.