All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
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“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
#Caturday
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.