
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.