@KalvinMacleod Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
@noog All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
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@KalvinMacleod 
@imdaintyaf I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
@Izianikapani Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
@zuza_real if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
@Spaziotwat *looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
@thetigersez How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
@ChefRonSullivan Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
@FrenulumBreve ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
@FormerHumorist Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
@AmishPornStar1 I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.