All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
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Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels
amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
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Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.