Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.

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Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”


Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*

My organs: We strike at dawn.


Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.


You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?



If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.


It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.


Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.


A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.