@heatherlou_

Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”

@mommajessiec

Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*

My organs: We strike at dawn.

@ShutUpThatsWho

Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.

@jellybnbonanza

You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?

That.

@threeinchgiant

If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.

@UnFitz

It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.

@UncleDuke1969

Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.

@JermHimselfish

A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.