My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
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*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft