If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
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1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
“I’m helping” 😅
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.