The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
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There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?