The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
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Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
motivation
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Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
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waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
i will not be silenced
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The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Realize this:
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Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.