Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
You Might Also Like
the greatest twitter interaction
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.