She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
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No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.