*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
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waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
crazy
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.