Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
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I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth