When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
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every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
I feel it
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.