Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
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My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
goldfish mafia