Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
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My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”