Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
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It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Am I having a stroke?
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.