@CulturedRuffian

Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.

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@LoveNLunchmeat

You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable

@notfaizzy

Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.

@KeetPotato

judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”

@OneFunnyMummy

Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.

@metickleu

Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.

@heidi420x

I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.

@kacisuewho

CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?

BATMAN: shit

@MamaFizzles

My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.

@GinAndJif

I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.

@fro_vo

Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*