Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.

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You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable


Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.


judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”


Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.


Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.


I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.


CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?

BATMAN: shit


My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.


I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.


Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*