I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
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*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Saturday
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭