Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
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[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
How actors in movies eat their food
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂