*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
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I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.