My love language is hissing.
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Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.