If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
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Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.