someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
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She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Brb my Sims are getting married
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)