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My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”