I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
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What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
cop: where u headed
me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat
cop: [handing me his gun] good luck
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station
[a melon-choly exchange]
Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married
Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me
*annnnd, scene*
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning