I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
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wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]