Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
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I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.