[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
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I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.